


Star Wars: Tapioca Fish Army

by Poplitealqueen



Series: Indepth Analyses & Summaries of the Star Wars Movies [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, I Dont Even Fucking Know, Im just really bored and stressed and waiting to make a new account, M/M, Nonsense, So the fucks are literally in the negative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:25:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6130572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poplitealqueen/pseuds/Poplitealqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The realest summary of Episode 7 ever. You won't even need to see the movie after reading this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star Wars: Tapioca Fish Army

**Author's Note:**

> Since someone hacked into my account and deleted my one really long Star Wars fic on here, I've been a bit salty about posting.
> 
> But then I realized it's silly to care about anything too much, so I wrote this to cheer myself up. I'll likely be making a new profile in the next couple weeks, which should also be nice. 
> 
> Hopefully this won't get deleted as well, but you know I don't think I'd be too torn up about it. Meh.
> 
> -Pop

Once upon a planet sometime, somewhere in space - or maybe a starship, who the fuck knows for certain- Hand Sloo put his mini Millennium Falcon into Legal Orgasm's spatial rift.  
  
And this action had repercussions.  
  
The mint-chlorines had figured out by that time that Skypewalters come best in sets of two -- anything less usually causes something dark and unseemly to happen.  
  
Unfortunately, Sloo, or Solo, if you will, means alone. Single. One. Therefore, it was an act of simple destiny that all of the cuckoobananas Skypewalter traits were jammed into one angsty idiot.  
  
But it isn't all Benji Sloo's fault. Honestly, Loogie Skypewalter should have gotten a professional degree in education before taking him under his robo-wing; Legal and Hand should have realized that nothing good comes of Loogie going off without them for extended periods of time (really. it always ends badly for Hand); and Benji should have just told one or all of them 'nah'. It's not even relevant to mention Supreme Lord Snooki at this point. Chances are, things would have gone ass-up with or without him.  
  
So, Benji decides to become Khloe.  Things happen. Rayband meets him maybe at one point and may or may not have been left in the Death Valley of space by him, or Loogie. Or neither at all.  
  
Years pass, gritty, gross, sandy years, and then Fine the Stormtrooper is saved by Pro Damnson, one very hot taquito. Pro and Fine become boyfriends in about five minutes, leave the Finals ship (bane of every student) and end up in Space Death Valley.  
  
Pro "dies", and Fine is left to wander until he happens upon what amounts to any small town located in rural New Mexico. There, Babe-Ate, the Star Wars equivalent of one of those automatic rolling ball things you buy to entertain your dog sans the tail, notices Fine in Pro's jacket and sicks Rayband on him.  
  
Fine is terrified and aroused. Much like the rest of us.  
  
Luckily, deus ex alien assholes show up, so Rayband and Fine have to hold hands and find a ship. They ride the Millennium Falcon (the freighter, not Hand Sloo's dick) and escape.  
  
Enter big, fun high-flying adventure, blah blah blah, and they end up on the set of a Hentai Tentacle Porno and Hand Solo is there with Chipotle, his Wiki friend.  
  
More things happen, Fine gets captured by the Space Hentai monster but it doesn't end half as hot as you think it would.  
  
Hand decides to take Fine and Rayband to Space Hogwarts/Bar, where they meet Shiny Yoda, who lowkey wants to bed Chipotle, but more importantly somehow has Bananakin Skypewalter's lifesaver.  
  
Much like OG Yoda, she mostly speaks in riddles and doesn't tell anyone shit. She also seemingly disappears when the Empire.2 shows up and blasts the fuck out of her castle. If Wookiepedia hadn't made it clear, I would assume she died.  
  
Anyways, Fine fights a meme while Rayband gets kidnapped by Khloe. Things happen, we get two seconds of Legal Orgasm and then end up in a room with another meme where it's revealed that the Empire.2 has a superweapon.  
  
The Death Star, but bigger.  
  
Nobody explains why none of them didn't know about this planet - sized destructomachine already, it couldn't have been hard to miss, but that doesn't matter.  
  
We find out Pro is alive, and he and Fine have hot, passionate sex in the cockpit of his X-wing.  
  
That being done, instead of insisting she go with him like young hothead Legal would have, Legal instead pats Hand on the back and wishes him luck for...reasons.  
  
Fast forward some more. General Hug manages to destroy not one, not two, but FIVE planets with the Death Star.2. Meanwhile, Rayband has Khloe flipping through her mind like an old issue of People magazine at the Dentist's office, and at some point he takes off his helmet, revealing himself to be none other than Space Snape.  
  
He isn't exactly bad looking, but pretty looks don't change the fact he's mind torturing Rayband, so in retaliation Rayband flips it around and mind-fucks him for like two seconds.  
  
Khloe gets uncomfortable, leaves, and Rayband is released by James Bond.  
  
Fine, Hand, and Chipotle all end up on Starkiller Base and for some reason it's snowing. More funny banter in which Fine says what we're all thinking, and then they're in the main base of Starkiller Base. Baseception.

They realize Rayband really didn't need their help, so they get Captain Plasma of Tarth to shut off a Force field or something and then throw her in the trash. Perfect symbolism for how this first movie wasted her character.

More things happen, everyone meets up, and Khloe kills Hand (still hoping Hand shows up with Landfill in the next one. I mean, Loogie was saved, why not Hand?? Canon-non-grata, Hand is alive) and Chipotle shoots him with his special space edition Daryl Dixon crossbow he got at Walker Stalker Con.

Then more stuff happens and Fine, Khloe, and Rayband all end up in the woods (don't know where Chipotle went. Maybe to get the Millennium Falcon?). Fine holds his own against Darth Vader Lite, until getting his back slashed. Rayband jumps in at that point and kicks his ass, and then she and Fine escape.

During all this, Pro fucks up Starkiller Base like the pro that he is.

Not much happens after that. Death Star. 2 blows up. We know Khloe was saved by General Hug, and now Snooki wants to complete his training. Fine is in a coma, and I think smol vintage droid wakes up at this point. Or it might have been earlier I don't fucking recall.

Anyways, Rayband leaves to find Loogie, and the movie ends with her finding him on Waterworld with one hella guilt beard.

The music swells, and then credits.

And that's the movie

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Star Wars: Tapioca Fish Army [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6131524) by [the_dragongirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_dragongirl/pseuds/the_dragongirl)




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